Nonsense!

Baby Bear had his 15 month appointment today. Unfortunately, he's started associating the nurses with vaccines, so getting him measured and weighed was quite the chore. He was terrified. To weigh him, I had to hold him and step on the scale, then weigh myself and subtract the difference. There was no way he was going to sit still in the baby scale.
The good news: Baby Bear has gained a pound! Yay! Bad news: His growth is still dropping off. Here's the nonsense part of the story. The doctor told me not to worry about his weight, but I should try to get him to eat more. Well, that leads me to believe you're still concerned about his growth, doctor, so it's too late. I am worried.
The doctor also said that Baby Bear should be saying 5 words by now. He is not. He has one word; Daddy. I'm supposed to make an effort to read to him more and just encourage him to talk. Yeah, buddy, like I haven't been doing that already. I don't know how I am going to read to him more. Baby Bear won't sit still for a book. Maybe I don't have enough age-appropriate books. I will take him to the library see what they have available.
Yesterday was my birthday. Papa Bear surprised me with a nice night out. We went to The Melting Pot. (Nom nom nom, it was sooooooooooooo good.) He even arranged the babysitter; all as a surprise. He came down and told me to be ready to go by 7:30, and I agreed, but asked who would be watching the baby. He replied that he had taken care of it. Um, no. You're going to tell me who is watching my baby or I am going to freak out about it all day long.  (It was a good friend of mine-he chose well.) We had a really nice time. It was the first time we went out together without the baby since our anniversary last year. =) We need to get out more.

Not So Crunchy

 I'm not as crunchy as I thought I was.

For you non-mommies out there, crunchy is a term applied to a certain style of parenting. Eco-friendly, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, natural remedies, organic and unprocessed foods-stuff like that would fall into the "crunchy" category.
I started out with the best intentions. Breastfeeding didn't work out for us. Formula is expensive without being organic, so already I was filling my son with dangerous chemicals and pesticides. We tried cloth diapering-for a long time-but the continual diaper rashes and lack of good quality diapers made me throw in the towel. I don't make the money around here, so I can't go buy things willy nilly. Papa Bear was tired of the rashes and said, "No more" to fluffy bottoms. I never thought twice about giving Baby Bear Oragel or Motrin for his teeth. Didn't even bother with the homeopathic remedies. That I can defend, because the teething tablets contain unregulated amounts of belladonna. I'm not taking that risk.
I did make Baby Bear's baby food. Never bought any tiny jars of purees, not even Earth's Best. I used organic where I could, but once again, organic is expensive, so it wasn't totally pesticide free.
I did babywear. I loved babywearing. My Sleepy Wrap was an invaluable resource for at least the first 10 months or so. But then, Baby Bear got big. The Sleepy Wrap offered little support for him, and it is time to get a new carrier.  I want a Mei Tai, but I am concerned because Baby Bear doesn't tolerate being smooshed up against me anymore. I don't want to spend the dough if he's going to wiggle his way out and be miserable.
So, it turns out, I am pretty mainstream. It bothers me. I mean, there is nothing WRONG with that, but I kind of feel like this is taking the easy way out. Maybe I should have tried harder. Baby Bear is fine. He's happy. He's healthy. He's growing. Growing slowly, but growing.
Things just didn't work out the way I planned on them working out. This is the understatement of the year. I could go on, but I'm not really feeling like going into details on the internet, and most of those who are close to me know what's going on. I can only hope that things will change soon and for the better.
Well, this post is just a downer, isn't it? Sorry to bum you all out. The three of you who read this, that is. Let's end this on a positive note, shall we? The weather is glorious and Baby Bear and I are going outside to play. We already went on a walk this morning, so we'll putter around the front yard. Maybe we'll find some bugs to look at or some flowers to eat. =)

Hey, I'm not dead.

It's just that life isn't so exciting for me. My life still isn't living up to my Prius commercial fantasies, except I'm now actively trying to fix that. Let's be clear: I understand that life will never be perfect. My goal is simply to enjoy what I've got as much as I can without worrying too much about the state of my house or the fact that my child doesn't say anything in English other than "Daddy". (Phew, that was a long sentence.)
The weather is getting warmer. Baby Bear is still a tiny man-12 month clothes are too big for my 14 month old. When he goes in for his 15 month visit, I will address that concern after I see how much he weighs. He eats. Doesn't eat a wide variety of things, but he still eats. He's pretty proficient at the sippy cup now. It was worth it to quit the bottle cold turkey. I didn't have the patience for gradual weaning. He's walking like a pro; it is now his chosen form of transportation.
Papa Bear has a new job and it allows him to work from home most days. I love it.  I can't bother him or hang out with him any more than I could when he worked in an office, but it's nice knowing he's here. I don't have to worry about his long commute, wonder if he caught the early train, and he's already home for Baby Bear's dinner and bathtime. It means we get to spend more time together, and he seems much less stressed out, which is good for all of us.
Hmm, what else is new? I applied for a job, interviewed for it, and didn't get it (story of my life) and there haven't been any openings that are resume worthy. I'm fortunate to be able to stay at home, and frankly, until I get my life straightened out a little bit, it's probably better that I don't have a real job. Yes, being a mother is a real job, I know. It's hard work. The hours suck. Your boss poops and pees in his pants and screams if you don't hold him. He also throws things across the room and occasionally bites you. But Lord, is he cute or what?
I just want to be able to look back on this time and know that I did my best. For various reasons I won't get into, I don't feel like I'm doing my best. The circumstances are out of my control, but I'm working on that. Hopefully things start changing soon.

Promised pictures and other things.

I don't have many pictures from Baby Bear's birthday party. Both Papa Bear and I were really busy orchestrating the whole thing to take pictures. I'll share some of the better ones.

The messy cake faces are really all anyone wants to see anyway. In other news, it's finally beginning to feel like spring time! Yay! Baby Bear and I have been going to the park everyday that it hasn't rained. I think we both love getting out of the house, and Baby Bear is finally getting old enough to appreciate the playground. He loves going down the slide. (With me, of course!) He also cannot get enough of the swing. Although, yesterday, he was so tired he was almost lulled to sleep by the swinging. It was cute.

Remember my New Year's resolutions? Especially the part about being more healthy? Well, it's not going so well. I haven't lost any weight. It's not like I've been working especially hard at it or anything, though, so it's no one's fault but my own. I need to eat better, drink more water, and exercise. The warmer weather will help with the exercise. But I change my eating habits. I don't buy a lot of junk-we don't regularly buy chips or ice cream or things like that. But I'm not eating enough fresh veggies. I snack on terrible things-mostly carbs. I need to up my protein intake and make lower calorie meal choices. I say all this and it sounds really good, but then I never follow through with it. I've decided to make a more concentrated effort, though. Hopefully, it will pay off.

Giveaway Madness!!

Check out the folks at The Cloth Diaper Whisperer. They're having a mad giveaway for some Kushies Diapers, and boy do they rock. Enjoy!

Birthday Fun

Baby Bear's party was this weekend. We had a really good time.  Friends and family whom we haven't seen in a while came up to join the fun. My sister was a tremendous help-I seriously could not have thrown the party without her. I owe her about three parties worth of help for everything she did for me!
Baby Bear received some really cute things for his birthday. Among the highlights, a LeapFrog Fridge Farm. It's a cute little animal matching game that sticks onto your fridge. (Obviously..heehee.) It sings songs and names the animals. I really like it. Baby Bear likes the animal magnets. He's been taking them off the fridge and hiding them in nearby cabinets. I have found them quite a few times already while preparing meals. He also got some lovely Swaddlebees cloth diapers, which I am in love with.  Hopefully, he can appreciate them as much as I do. I'm in the market for new prefolds, so having these new all-in-ones around will be extremely helpful while I'm waiting the buy them. Ultimately, I'd like to get a truckload of all-in-ones, but I will have to be patient and buy them one at a time.
In other news, we just spent a small fortune on new tires for my car. I was on the way home from running errands when I suddenly realized the car was not driving normally. I immediately suspected a flat tire, and sure enough, that's what it was. Having never changed a tire before, I was supremely grateful that Papa Bear had taken the day off. I called him up and he came to the rescue. I learned two things, one: I could probably change my own tire now. Two: We need a second carseat for Papa Bear's vehicle. Luckily, Baby Bear is still within the height and weight limits of his infant seat-but just barely. I'm not sure what I would have done if he didn't fit in that seat. I guess I would have been changing my own tire...Anyway, the flat couldn't be repaired so we had to purchase two new tires. My car has irregular tires so they're much more expensive than normal tires. I hate it. The next car I get will have normal tires and not require any specialty items.
What else is new? Baby Bear continues to be a picky eater. We have found a few things that he likes and will eat regularly, and that's pretty much all he gets. He doesn't like meat and is not a huge fan of his milk, so getting protein in him can be a challenge. Luckily, he enjoys peanut butter and whole grain bread so he's getting a little bit from those items. I know people can be vegetarians and be perfectly healthy, but Baby Bear is like a "yogurt-bananatarian" because that's all he'll eat. He does enjoy his vegetables, so at least we have that going for us. He did not gain any weight from his last checkup to his 12 mo appointment, but the doctor does not seem to be worried and I will try to trust his medical knowledge and expertise.
Not much else-there's a job opening that I'm toying with the idea of applying to. I don't feel any great sense of desire on this one, though. I think I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid I won't like it as much as my last job. I am also in FTM panic mode and don't believe anyone can care for Baby Bear like I can. The idea of daycare is daunting. Papa Bear is traveling a lot this month, so I'm waiting this job out. If the posting is still up when he's no longer jet-setting around the midwest, I might apply to it. We shall see. I like staying at home with Baby Bear, and I know some people would kill for the chance to stay at home with their kids. But it's something I struggle with, because I was raised with the idea that I could do anything, and being a housewife was something undesirable. I don't think my parents intentionally instilled this idea-but having two working parents your whole life makes you feel like you should be working, not sitting at home on your rear. Not that taking care of Baby Bear is some easy job-I don't sit around eating bon bons and watching Judge Judy. But, I feel like I should be doing more, I guess. Regardless, for the time being I am fairly happy staying at home, but I wouldn't mind getting a job. I've come to peace with the fact that I'm a mom that stays at home.
Lastly, there's an awesome giveaway at The Cloth Diaper Whisperer. These all-in-ones look fabulous and I'd love to win one to try it out!!
Pictures to follow!

On Turning One...

I'm just not ready for this. Baby Bear is going to be one in a few days. ONE! That means he'll be a "toddler" and no longer a baby. I'm having mixed feelings about this whole situation. I'm not ready for some of the things that lie ahead, like weaning him from a bottle or getting rid of the pacifier.  I wasn't ready for him to stop tolerating the Sleepy Wrap. I loved having him snuggled up against me. Now, he considers it a medieval torture device. I guess I can understand-he wants to move around. He wants to explore and learn all about this crazy world on his own terms.
I'm really sad because I feel like it went too fast. When he was born, he was colicky until he was about 5-6 months old, no lie. I cannot say I enjoyed him during that part of his life. So, I've really only gotten the "happy" mothering experience for 6 months or so. I wanted to enjoy him when he was teeny, and I could not. The post-partum depression certainly did not help the situation. I feel like I missed out on something. And now, all we have ahead of us is "big kid" stuff.  No more buying formula. No more bottles. No more early morning snuggles on the couch. (Honestly, that ended a few months ago...boo.) No more babywearing. No more "My First" holidays.
Sometimes, I even miss getting up with him in the middle of the night. When we first brought him home, he would wake in the middle of the night to nurse, but would be so sleepy I had to keep waking him up to get him to eat. That poor kid would get stripped down to a diaper, in February, just so he'd be awake enough to eat. All I could think of then was, "Wait until he's 6 months...8 months...10 months... it will be so much fun." And it IS fun. I love his personality. I love making him laugh. I love watching him figure things out. But I never knew how fast it would all go by.  People always tell you to cherish the moments when they are small, because it does go by so fast.  Baby Bear's colic made it hard to cherish many of those moments, but the ones I do enjoy are held so close to my heart... The checker at the grocery store today was chatting with me about Baby Bear, asking me how old he was and such. Then he was going on and on about before I know it, he'll be going on his first date, getting married, and "leaving the nest". WHAT?? You stupid jerk, he's not even ONE yet! Quit making me feel terrible and lonely!
Ok, in that guy's defense, he had no idea how I felt about Baby Bear's big day. But I tell you, it was the last thing I wanted to hear. I'm really down about this. I'm not ready for Baby Bear to be a big boy. How in the world am I supposed to cope with this for the rest of his life if I'm having such a hard time about his first birthday?? It doesn't seem right that I should be lamenting this so much.
There are positive things about him getting older. I know there are. I just don't want to think about them right now. Sometimes you NEED to work through these low spots in your life. So, I'm letting myself stew a little bit.  I'm allowing myself to be mired in misery. By doing this, I hope to be feeling better about this whole mess in a few days. Hopefully before his birthday party. =)
Here's my tiny little man, brand new.

 

And here's his most recent mugshot.

*sigh* So big.

Hermit-y Hermit Crab

This is how I feel today.
I got invited to a bible study by a neighbor.  I'll be honest, I didn't really want to go. However,  I have a really big problem with telling people no. I don't know what it is, I just cannot tell people no. So, I went. It wasn't at my church. It was at a Baptist church. There's nothing wrong with that, but we had a bad experience at a Baptist church in South Carolina so I tend to be wary of them. That, and I am perfectly happy at our church.  I'm not church shopping and I'm certainly not going to CHANGE churches, so I just wasn't thrilled about going somewhere else.
It wasn't horrible. The women there were nice, the message of the bible study was somewhat fitting to my current situation and I wasn't smote by lightning or anything. It's just not something I would have gone to if I hadn't been asked to go. I don't really want to go next week (or the next week, or the next week, etc.) However, I have somehow committed myself to going. I'm trying to be positive. It's a way to get out of the house and meet some new people. It's bible study, so at least God will be proud of me. However, sometimes I just don't want to go anywhere. Sometimes I am perfectly happy staying at home, not going anywhere, playing with Baby Bear all day. People ask me to do stuff with them and it just seems so difficult. It seems like there will be a large amount of effort required on my part, and really, I am all about my life being as simple as possible. Does that make me lazy? I don't think it's that. Some days it is really hard for me to be social- be polite, smile, make conversation. I feel like today I was putting on a big front and not being myself. I feel like being myself would not really be accepted by these ladies. It's exhausting to be someone you are not. I would rather have friendships that are effortless-you have things in common, share a similar outlook on life-and so forth.
On the other hand, one of the things said at this bible study was that random things are never random. It's just God acting in a way you were not expecting. So, is God trying to tell me he wants me to go to this thing? Is he trying to subtly kick me in the shins and say, "Hey! I'm trying to be in your life, so let me in"?  Would God be mad if I didn't go back? *sigh* I just want to stay at home.

Weight-Loss and Gain

I've been trying to lose my baby weight for about 11 months. (Read: Since the baby was born. Haha!) I did lose the majority of it in the few months after he was born, but I've stalled out. I'd still like to lose about 12 pounds. One of my New Year's resolutions was to lose this weight. Let me be honest here... I haven't been sticking to my diet very well. If Papa Bear would stop making chocolate chip cookies every weekend, I think I'd have a better chance. I have no willpower. Zero. It's really sad. The first few days of 2010 did not go well as far as food are concerned.
This week, I've been doing much better. I know one of my huge issues is eating when I'm bored, and eating when I'm actually thirsty. Also, my addiction to Diet Dr. Pepper. At least it's diet, I guess. That's how I rationalize these things, folks. It's sad.  I'm trying to drink more water. I keep a pitcher in the fridge all the time so it's nice and cold. I'm also trying to stop eating when I'm bored. If I do eat when I'm bored, I need to make better choices about what I'm eating. Not chocolate chip cookies... Today was a good day. I ate very little! I'm not trying to starve myself-that would be bad, but I didn't go crazy and eat all these snacky items between meals. I'm also trying to eat what Baby Bear eats. That kid eats better than Papa Bear and I, mainly because I don't feed him the crap that we eat.  For example, today he had turkey ravioli and peas for lunch. So, I made myself some steamed veggies and ate a slice of cheese. (I don't eat peas. They're only in the house for Baby Bear, hahaha!) If I consistently make better food choices, and watch my portions, I believe I can get rid of the rest of the weight. A little more exercise would help too.  =P

Now, weight gain- At Baby Bear's last pediatrician appointment, he'd only gained 4 ounces in a month. While the doctor said it's not uncommon for them to drop off, he was concerned because I mentioned Baby Bear was a pretty picky eater. Baby Bear loves his vegetables. But it's hard to get him to eat cheese, meat, or most fruits. We've been working on getting him to eat more to ensure he keeps growing. Today was a red letter day for eating. He ate an entire container of yogurt and a whole piece of toast. He probably would have eaten more, had I offered it, but I was concerned he wouldn't eat much lunch if I did. So, when lunch time rolls around, he ate his entire container of pasta, about 1/2 a cup of peas and two handfuls of puffs. I even got him to take some sips from his cup! That's a huge deal!  So, w00t! He needs to gain, and I need to lose. We're going to get through it together!
 Lastly, I'm following my friend Ashlee's blog, Fat Mom Blog, as she goes on her weight loss journey. She's having a giveaway this week, some awesome 100 calorie soups from Progresso, a soup bowl and a jump rope. Check it out! Also, read her blog, because she's awesome and deserves the support. =)

Not an Auspcious Day

Today was rough. I won't go into details, but Baby Bear is learning to test the limits. It's been a trying day, but I had a good, long talk (text?) with a good friend and I'm feeling much more centered. Zen.
Sometimes you have to step back and take a breather in order to get a grip on things. In my quest to become the "Best Mom Ever", I have to realize that even the best moms aren't perfect. Being the best mother to your child requires constant, minute changes to your parenting. Every day presents itself with some new challenge. Constantly moving, constantly meeting the changing needs of your child. (It sounds exhausting when you think of it that way!) All in all, today taught me a few things. First, don't believe everything you read. Second, though it was rough, I know one day I'll look back and laugh when I think, "Remember the day Baby Bear tried to eat the Christmas ornaments?".  One day I'll miss that. When I'm frustrated that he won't nap in his crib, I have to remember that he won't always want to snuggle with me on the couch. I have to take each day, one step at a time. I can't rush him.  They say God won't give you more than you can handle. He must me smiling at me, struggling with the handful he's sent my way!

What's this? An Update?

I know you all can't believe it. Once you have recovered from fainting we'll continue.

Good? Ok. Here's some water. Let's do this.

As you all know, I resolved to be a better mom. That's such a tall order. It's not as if someone has told me, "You are a bad mom." I feel like I could be better. I'm directing the criticism at myself. Baby Bear is happy, healthy, and growing well. He's well-fed, clothed, and loved. But I can't help feeling that I could do better. Maybe I'm too hard on myself. Who knows? All I know is that I want to feel that I'm doing better. I don't know that I can even tell you what it is I'm supposed to be doing better. I just harbor (probably irrational) feelings of inadequacy. We're not going to dive any further into my psyche, I promise.  Just providing a little background information.

Anyway, Baby Bear and I are now attending Music N' Me classes. We went to our first on Monday. I can't stop talking about it, honestly. It was so much fun and Baby Bear really enjoyed himself. We had such a good time that I realized that this is exactly what I need. It's hard being a SAHM and doing basically nothing all day. There are only so many times you can visit Target. (Also, there's that point where you're walking around just placing random things in your cart-it's far too easy to spend money we don't really have budgeted out.) I want to get involved in more things like Music N' Me. For instance, I'd really like to start swim lessons with Baby Bear. But, that's another expense we haven't budgeted for. Wouldn't that be an awesome winter activity though? Getting to swim in a nice heated pool when there's snow on the ground holds great appeal to me. And, I love to swim, so any chance I get is awesome. I wish there were a YMCA fairy that would allow me to get a membership.  But I digress. The point I'm trying to make is that I need some outside direction on what to do with Brody. I wish someone could come over and give me ideas of what to do all day with him, besides chasing him around the house, preventing him from eating dog food, etc. I wonder if there is a book of age appropriate activities.  The library here has some amazing resources for homeschooling moms, but most of the materials start at preschool age. There's got to be some aimed at toddlers. What to daycares do all day? It's not like they're just letting the kids crawl around the room. Maybe they are, I don't know.
So, to get to the point again, these classes are great. I feel it's a good first step toward my attaining my goal of "Best Mom Ever."  It's humble, don't you think?

Resolutions. Goals. Dreams.

I have never made New Year's resolutions before. I find it difficult to hold myself accountable when I have something challenging ahead of me. I mean, this is not always true. I KNOW I can follow through with things, even in difficult situations, such as the time when I was working full time and in school full time. That was tough, but I made it through and I graduated. I know it is possible to make some changes.
I want to be a better mommy. I feel like I could do more with Baby Bear as far as interaction, education, and what not. I want to have the energy to do this. So, my resolutions are:
1. Lose the rest of the baby weight. It's been almost a year. I can't use the excuse, "I just had a baby." I only have about 10-15 pounds to lose to get back to where I would like to be. I can make this happen by making healthy food choices and making an effort to exercise more. I've got the Wii Fit. It's not like it is strenuous exercise, but it is SOMETHING I can do during the winter. As soon as it warms up, I'm walking everyday. Maybe we will find the extra money to get a Y membership.
2. Be there for Baby Bear. This includes not going back to sleep after his morning bottle. (Note: I am the one going back to sleep.) It usually takes some time to convince him that he needs to go back to sleep also, so I can use this energy to start some coffee, hop in the shower and start my day. EVEN if I am not going anywhere that day!  This will help us get on a better schedule and maybe his naps won't be so erratic. Also, make a point to TURN OFF THE TV. After I watch the news in the AM, it needs to go off. Better yet, it should never come on. I can tune into NPR on my laptop and get the news that way. No more zoning out when I could be playing with Brody or getting chores done.
I know number 2 encompasses many things, but it's a big change and it's something I want to do. I need to get my life together! My baby is almost a year old! Let's get back to reality, here! I've got to embrace my "Mommyhood".
I just feel like I've been a failure as a mom, lately. I know we can't all be supermom. I know there are worse mothers than me. But when I was pregnant, I never imagined that I would be this way. I planned for so much more! My baby was going to know sign language! I was going to read two books, everyday! Well, that didn't happen. So, now, almost a year later, I need to change. I need to be a better mom. That's just how it needs to be.