Hey, I'm not dead.

It's just that life isn't so exciting for me. My life still isn't living up to my Prius commercial fantasies, except I'm now actively trying to fix that. Let's be clear: I understand that life will never be perfect. My goal is simply to enjoy what I've got as much as I can without worrying too much about the state of my house or the fact that my child doesn't say anything in English other than "Daddy". (Phew, that was a long sentence.)
The weather is getting warmer. Baby Bear is still a tiny man-12 month clothes are too big for my 14 month old. When he goes in for his 15 month visit, I will address that concern after I see how much he weighs. He eats. Doesn't eat a wide variety of things, but he still eats. He's pretty proficient at the sippy cup now. It was worth it to quit the bottle cold turkey. I didn't have the patience for gradual weaning. He's walking like a pro; it is now his chosen form of transportation.
Papa Bear has a new job and it allows him to work from home most days. I love it.  I can't bother him or hang out with him any more than I could when he worked in an office, but it's nice knowing he's here. I don't have to worry about his long commute, wonder if he caught the early train, and he's already home for Baby Bear's dinner and bathtime. It means we get to spend more time together, and he seems much less stressed out, which is good for all of us.
Hmm, what else is new? I applied for a job, interviewed for it, and didn't get it (story of my life) and there haven't been any openings that are resume worthy. I'm fortunate to be able to stay at home, and frankly, until I get my life straightened out a little bit, it's probably better that I don't have a real job. Yes, being a mother is a real job, I know. It's hard work. The hours suck. Your boss poops and pees in his pants and screams if you don't hold him. He also throws things across the room and occasionally bites you. But Lord, is he cute or what?
I just want to be able to look back on this time and know that I did my best. For various reasons I won't get into, I don't feel like I'm doing my best. The circumstances are out of my control, but I'm working on that. Hopefully things start changing soon.

On Turning One...

I'm just not ready for this. Baby Bear is going to be one in a few days. ONE! That means he'll be a "toddler" and no longer a baby. I'm having mixed feelings about this whole situation. I'm not ready for some of the things that lie ahead, like weaning him from a bottle or getting rid of the pacifier.  I wasn't ready for him to stop tolerating the Sleepy Wrap. I loved having him snuggled up against me. Now, he considers it a medieval torture device. I guess I can understand-he wants to move around. He wants to explore and learn all about this crazy world on his own terms.
I'm really sad because I feel like it went too fast. When he was born, he was colicky until he was about 5-6 months old, no lie. I cannot say I enjoyed him during that part of his life. So, I've really only gotten the "happy" mothering experience for 6 months or so. I wanted to enjoy him when he was teeny, and I could not. The post-partum depression certainly did not help the situation. I feel like I missed out on something. And now, all we have ahead of us is "big kid" stuff.  No more buying formula. No more bottles. No more early morning snuggles on the couch. (Honestly, that ended a few months ago...boo.) No more babywearing. No more "My First" holidays.
Sometimes, I even miss getting up with him in the middle of the night. When we first brought him home, he would wake in the middle of the night to nurse, but would be so sleepy I had to keep waking him up to get him to eat. That poor kid would get stripped down to a diaper, in February, just so he'd be awake enough to eat. All I could think of then was, "Wait until he's 6 months...8 months...10 months... it will be so much fun." And it IS fun. I love his personality. I love making him laugh. I love watching him figure things out. But I never knew how fast it would all go by.  People always tell you to cherish the moments when they are small, because it does go by so fast.  Baby Bear's colic made it hard to cherish many of those moments, but the ones I do enjoy are held so close to my heart... The checker at the grocery store today was chatting with me about Baby Bear, asking me how old he was and such. Then he was going on and on about before I know it, he'll be going on his first date, getting married, and "leaving the nest". WHAT?? You stupid jerk, he's not even ONE yet! Quit making me feel terrible and lonely!
Ok, in that guy's defense, he had no idea how I felt about Baby Bear's big day. But I tell you, it was the last thing I wanted to hear. I'm really down about this. I'm not ready for Baby Bear to be a big boy. How in the world am I supposed to cope with this for the rest of his life if I'm having such a hard time about his first birthday?? It doesn't seem right that I should be lamenting this so much.
There are positive things about him getting older. I know there are. I just don't want to think about them right now. Sometimes you NEED to work through these low spots in your life. So, I'm letting myself stew a little bit.  I'm allowing myself to be mired in misery. By doing this, I hope to be feeling better about this whole mess in a few days. Hopefully before his birthday party. =)
Here's my tiny little man, brand new.

 

And here's his most recent mugshot.

*sigh* So big.

The Holidays

Now that the craziness of family gatherings is over, it's time to update you on what's going on with Baby Bear, Papa Bear and I. I can't lie. It's not like I've been insanely busy since September and that is what has kept me from posting. The truth of it is, there's been a whole lot of nothing going on in my life. It's hard to update you all when it would sound something like, "Baby Bear ate a whole cup of peas today!" I don't know. Maybe you DO want to hear things like that. Either way, one of my resolutions is to keep up with this blog a little bit better. (I do also want to throw in that Papa Bear keeps telling me he's going to help me build a blog on our server; but like so many things he wants to get done, it hasn't happened yet. So, for a short while, I didn't update with the anticipation of moving this whole thing to the server.)
Anyway, Thanksgiving and Christmas were excellent. I throw them in together because we celebrated Christmas at Thanksgiving with the in-laws. We visited my family for Christmas, so it was fair.  Baby Bear received a boatload of toys and clothes, as well as some money for his college savings.  Natl-doo gets cuter every time we see her. She's growing up so fast! She was quick to share her toys with Baby Bear, like a good cousin does. I hope they become close. Sis and I always had (and have) a close relationship with our cousins growing up. I'd like for Baby Bear and Natl-doo to be the same way.
Speaking of cousins,  one of mine has moved to our area! He and his lovely new wife will still be an hour away from us, but it's a lot closer than before. Plus, it will give us even more excuse to visit the city now and then.
I was introduced to a great cloth diapering store recently. A friend took me there earlier this month and WOW! I was blown away. It's so cute! It's called Comfy Bummy and I am in love with it. The staff was super helpful and they have a great selection. A little background information: I'm currently using gDiapers with cloth inserts. The gCloth is outrageously priced, so I'm using prefolds and some inserts a friend made for me. (Her blog is here. Check out the cuteness!) I am planning on trying my hand at making a few inserts. However, the woman at Comfy Bummy was a spring of fluffy knowledge. She showed me all the inserts available, and also let me know about the basics, like using plain prefolds with covers vs. pockets vs. AIOs, etc. Now I just need to win the lottery so I can stock up on some fluff for Baby Bear. My prefolds are not the best... I want something better and am working on getting to that point.
Now for the fun. Here's a few Christmas pictures of Baby Bear and crew at Christmas.

Natl-doo and Baby Bear sharing.

The obligatory "bow on the head". Also Papa and Mama Bear.

The next day, playing with Uncle Ray.

Opening presents.

Well, naptime has ended abruptly, so I'll sign off here. See you soon!

A New Adventure

Recently, I thought that I haven't been doing enough to capture these moments in Baby Bear's life. Though I should have started this about 6 months ago, I suppose it's better late than never.

For a little background information, if you're not family: Baby Bear is my February baby. He came three weeks early on an unseasonably warm day with no major complications. The first four months of his life were filled with colic, postpartum depression, and lots of frustrations while I learned how to be a mommy. We lived in a not so nice part of the city, so safety was always a concern. We moved out to the suburbs and are having a much happier life. I stay at home with Baby Bear and his Daddy brings home the bacon. I decided to start this blog to keep everyone updated and to keep myself sane. It's kind of like adult conversation-though it may be one sided.

Anyway, whats new? Baby Bear has had a lot of changes recently, considering the move. He's handling it all in stride. He's even begun to sleep through the night again, a feat that Daddy and I appreciate. We've started solids-sort of. He doesn't get them as a meal yet, just as an accompaniment for the time being. He's crazy for bananas, enjoys squash and pretty much hates avocados. He's going for his well visit next week, so I'm looking forward to getting him on a food schedule. I guess it's about time that we get a high chair. Also-we've made the move into cloth diapers. I'm a bit of a granola mommy at heart. Though co-sleeping and breastfeeding didn't work out for us, I'd like to do as much for him as I can, while I can. So, we'll cloth diaper to save both the environment and our money. It seems to be going well. I've just ordered some more inserts. The prefolds are a bit bulky and not as absorbent as I'd like, so we just change more often. The inserts should change that. Once I get a sewing machine, I'll make my own and save us even more money. (Hint hint hint *Christmas Gift* Hint hint hint). I'm also making my own baby food. It's surprisingly easy and not time consuming. It's also much more economical to make my own, versus buying those tiny jars for $.75 each. I like the fact that I know exactly what is going into his food. I pick out the produce, I wash it and prepare it. From store to freezer, I'm giving Baby Bear the best of the best. Next summer, though he'll have teeth, I'm going to plant a garden to ensure I know what is happening to those vegetables from seed to plate. I want to give him the best. Isn't that what we all want, as parents, for our children? The very best? I'm grateful that I have the time and financial stability to stay at home with Baby Bear and give him the best things. And by "things" I don't necessarily mean physical items. I want to give him the best foundation for a good life. And I think that is what parenting about: changing the focus of your life from yourself to your children. I plan on going back to school eventually; I haven't given up all my sense of self. But I know that what is important right now is raising happy, healthy, self-confident child.
I guess I've rambled enough for today. I'll keep you posted as things come up. =)