Wednesday, February 3, 2010

On Turning One...

I'm just not ready for this. Baby Bear is going to be one in a few days. ONE! That means he'll be a "toddler" and no longer a baby. I'm having mixed feelings about this whole situation. I'm not ready for some of the things that lie ahead, like weaning him from a bottle or getting rid of the pacifier.  I wasn't ready for him to stop tolerating the Sleepy Wrap. I loved having him snuggled up against me. Now, he considers it a medieval torture device. I guess I can understand-he wants to move around. He wants to explore and learn all about this crazy world on his own terms.
I'm really sad because I feel like it went too fast. When he was born, he was colicky until he was about 5-6 months old, no lie. I cannot say I enjoyed him during that part of his life. So, I've really only gotten the "happy" mothering experience for 6 months or so. I wanted to enjoy him when he was teeny, and I could not. The post-partum depression certainly did not help the situation. I feel like I missed out on something. And now, all we have ahead of us is "big kid" stuff.  No more buying formula. No more bottles. No more early morning snuggles on the couch. (Honestly, that ended a few months No more babywearing. No more "My First" holidays.
Sometimes, I even miss getting up with him in the middle of the night. When we first brought him home, he would wake in the middle of the night to nurse, but would be so sleepy I had to keep waking him up to get him to eat. That poor kid would get stripped down to a diaper, in February, just so he'd be awake enough to eat. All I could think of then was, "Wait until he's 6 months...8 months...10 months... it will be so much fun." And it IS fun. I love his personality. I love making him laugh. I love watching him figure things out. But I never knew how fast it would all go by.  People always tell you to cherish the moments when they are small, because it does go by so fast.  Baby Bear's colic made it hard to cherish many of those moments, but the ones I do enjoy are held so close to my heart... The checker at the grocery store today was chatting with me about Baby Bear, asking me how old he was and such. Then he was going on and on about before I know it, he'll be going on his first date, getting married, and "leaving the nest". WHAT?? You stupid jerk, he's not even ONE yet! Quit making me feel terrible and lonely!
Ok, in that guy's defense, he had no idea how I felt about Baby Bear's big day. But I tell you, it was the last thing I wanted to hear. I'm really down about this. I'm not ready for Baby Bear to be a big boy. How in the world am I supposed to cope with this for the rest of his life if I'm having such a hard time about his first birthday?? It doesn't seem right that I should be lamenting this so much.
There are positive things about him getting older. I know there are. I just don't want to think about them right now. Sometimes you NEED to work through these low spots in your life. So, I'm letting myself stew a little bit.  I'm allowing myself to be mired in misery. By doing this, I hope to be feeling better about this whole mess in a few days. Hopefully before his birthday party. =)
Here's my tiny little man, brand new.
And here's his most recent mugshot.

*sigh* So big.

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