This is how I feel today.
I got invited to a bible study by a neighbor. I'll be honest, I didn't really want to go. However, I have a really big problem with telling people no. I don't know what it is, I just cannot tell people no. So, I went. It wasn't at my church. It was at a Baptist church. There's nothing wrong with that, but we had a bad experience at a Baptist church in South Carolina so I tend to be wary of them. That, and I am perfectly happy at our church. I'm not church shopping and I'm certainly not going to CHANGE churches, so I just wasn't thrilled about going somewhere else.
It wasn't horrible. The women there were nice, the message of the bible study was somewhat fitting to my current situation and I wasn't smote by lightning or anything. It's just not something I would have gone to if I hadn't been asked to go. I don't really want to go next week (or the next week, or the next week, etc.) However, I have somehow committed myself to going. I'm trying to be positive. It's a way to get out of the house and meet some new people. It's bible study, so at least God will be proud of me. However, sometimes I just don't want to go anywhere. Sometimes I am perfectly happy staying at home, not going anywhere, playing with Baby Bear all day. People ask me to do stuff with them and it just seems so difficult. It seems like there will be a large amount of effort required on my part, and really, I am all about my life being as simple as possible. Does that make me lazy? I don't think it's that. Some days it is really hard for me to be social- be polite, smile, make conversation. I feel like today I was putting on a big front and not being myself. I feel like being myself would not really be accepted by these ladies. It's exhausting to be someone you are not. I would rather have friendships that are effortless-you have things in common, share a similar outlook on life-and so forth.
On the other hand, one of the things said at this bible study was that random things are never random. It's just God acting in a way you were not expecting. So, is God trying to tell me he wants me to go to this thing? Is he trying to subtly kick me in the shins and say, "Hey! I'm trying to be in your life, so let me in"? Would God be mad if I didn't go back? *sigh* I just want to stay at home.
Change is in the air
1 year ago