Not So Crunchy

 I'm not as crunchy as I thought I was.

For you non-mommies out there, crunchy is a term applied to a certain style of parenting. Eco-friendly, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, natural remedies, organic and unprocessed foods-stuff like that would fall into the "crunchy" category.
I started out with the best intentions. Breastfeeding didn't work out for us. Formula is expensive without being organic, so already I was filling my son with dangerous chemicals and pesticides. We tried cloth diapering-for a long time-but the continual diaper rashes and lack of good quality diapers made me throw in the towel. I don't make the money around here, so I can't go buy things willy nilly. Papa Bear was tired of the rashes and said, "No more" to fluffy bottoms. I never thought twice about giving Baby Bear Oragel or Motrin for his teeth. Didn't even bother with the homeopathic remedies. That I can defend, because the teething tablets contain unregulated amounts of belladonna. I'm not taking that risk.
I did make Baby Bear's baby food. Never bought any tiny jars of purees, not even Earth's Best. I used organic where I could, but once again, organic is expensive, so it wasn't totally pesticide free.
I did babywear. I loved babywearing. My Sleepy Wrap was an invaluable resource for at least the first 10 months or so. But then, Baby Bear got big. The Sleepy Wrap offered little support for him, and it is time to get a new carrier.  I want a Mei Tai, but I am concerned because Baby Bear doesn't tolerate being smooshed up against me anymore. I don't want to spend the dough if he's going to wiggle his way out and be miserable.
So, it turns out, I am pretty mainstream. It bothers me. I mean, there is nothing WRONG with that, but I kind of feel like this is taking the easy way out. Maybe I should have tried harder. Baby Bear is fine. He's happy. He's healthy. He's growing. Growing slowly, but growing.
Things just didn't work out the way I planned on them working out. This is the understatement of the year. I could go on, but I'm not really feeling like going into details on the internet, and most of those who are close to me know what's going on. I can only hope that things will change soon and for the better.
Well, this post is just a downer, isn't it? Sorry to bum you all out. The three of you who read this, that is. Let's end this on a positive note, shall we? The weather is glorious and Baby Bear and I are going outside to play. We already went on a walk this morning, so we'll putter around the front yard. Maybe we'll find some bugs to look at or some flowers to eat. =)

Hey, I'm not dead.

It's just that life isn't so exciting for me. My life still isn't living up to my Prius commercial fantasies, except I'm now actively trying to fix that. Let's be clear: I understand that life will never be perfect. My goal is simply to enjoy what I've got as much as I can without worrying too much about the state of my house or the fact that my child doesn't say anything in English other than "Daddy". (Phew, that was a long sentence.)
The weather is getting warmer. Baby Bear is still a tiny man-12 month clothes are too big for my 14 month old. When he goes in for his 15 month visit, I will address that concern after I see how much he weighs. He eats. Doesn't eat a wide variety of things, but he still eats. He's pretty proficient at the sippy cup now. It was worth it to quit the bottle cold turkey. I didn't have the patience for gradual weaning. He's walking like a pro; it is now his chosen form of transportation.
Papa Bear has a new job and it allows him to work from home most days. I love it.  I can't bother him or hang out with him any more than I could when he worked in an office, but it's nice knowing he's here. I don't have to worry about his long commute, wonder if he caught the early train, and he's already home for Baby Bear's dinner and bathtime. It means we get to spend more time together, and he seems much less stressed out, which is good for all of us.
Hmm, what else is new? I applied for a job, interviewed for it, and didn't get it (story of my life) and there haven't been any openings that are resume worthy. I'm fortunate to be able to stay at home, and frankly, until I get my life straightened out a little bit, it's probably better that I don't have a real job. Yes, being a mother is a real job, I know. It's hard work. The hours suck. Your boss poops and pees in his pants and screams if you don't hold him. He also throws things across the room and occasionally bites you. But Lord, is he cute or what?
I just want to be able to look back on this time and know that I did my best. For various reasons I won't get into, I don't feel like I'm doing my best. The circumstances are out of my control, but I'm working on that. Hopefully things start changing soon.